08.06.11 - trying to get ahead

Yesterday I cut my forehead open on a piece of broken glass from the window that was used to break into my house a week ago. And by break in, I mean someone else, not me. The gash is about an inch long and it bled profusely of course. The cut is deep and I'm devastated about the possibility of a scar. I'm really fucking upset about it... call me vain.

To add a more positive feel to this blog entry, I will say that I made a B in my Intro to Anat/Phys class! I will be taking Anatomy in the fall and I'm really excited about. I can't wait to start! I just wish other things were better situated for me so I can at least be comfortable and focus on my goal.

08.10.11 - wildfire

I'm sharing the first new pic in a while. The white shit on my head is my "bandage" for my cut. My poor fucking face. We had so much fun this weekend, Sheriff was running around all silly like and it was really apparent that he was happy to be out and about with us. I wish Rusty and Lil could've enjoyed the beach as well. It makes me want to move to the damn coast!!! Maybe I should be thinking about west Galveston again. *sigh*

School starts in a couple weeks and I'm really excited but I'm sad that I am still in my house. I don't feel safe here and I don't want to be here anymore. I can't afford to live here anymore either and I'm tired of going hungry, scrounging and bending over backwards trying to force something to work when it doesn't. The roommates thing failed MISERABLY and I am not willing to try it again.. ever. My disappearance has everything to do with that failure. I'm working on getting a p/t gig again that won't interfere with school and is hopefully career-related. I just want to feel safe when I'm at "home" and not have to worry about who is lurking outside or watching me. I don't think that's asking very much.
I'm only taking two classes this fall semester but they're at two different campuses. Books are expensive as fuck and I still have to afford another month in this fucking horrible house. I'm dealing with depression daily and regular fits of anxiety. I think it's some kind of PTSD from what I went through while I was gone. The anxiety just starts and I have to talk myself out of it but sometimes it's very strong and persistent, and I can't just tell myself it's anxiety and make it go away. It's been... a week since I've been "liberated" so I don't expect it to get any better soon. I'm still a nervous fucking wreck, checking the rear view, checking my 6 and being a paranoid mess.

Whatever.

08.12.11 - marvin's room

Lethargic. I am. What the fuck is up with my head? I can't bring myself to do ANYTHING. It's all so unpleasant. so overwhelming. Is it depression? Is it lethargy? Is it lazy? Ugh. I don't know what I want.

There's numbness on part of my forehead above my cut. I guess there was some nerve damage. Here's what it looks like at 1wk old. There was never a scab since I kept it moist/covered/a-thang.



This shit sticks out like a sore thumb on my fucking forehead. To me. Some people say it's not that noticeable but I usually have it caked in Mederma so how can they really tell anyway?

Don't I look haggard and tired? I think I do because that's how I feel on the INSIDE. And I believe that feelings inside do show on the outside no matter how hard we try not to.
I thought with the beginning of the end came at a time where I could still salvage what's left of my summer, but no. This scar on my head is keeping me out of the sun and away from the lake. It's not keeping me from my nightlife at least, though I don't care much for it. I went downtown for the first time since mid June on Wednesday night. We were only out and about for an hour and I managed to get some fat fuck's sweat flung in my face and eye from swinging his t-shirt over his head AND some nasty fuck throwing up next to me which splashed all over my feet AT THE SAME BAR. 6th SICKENS ME. UGH.
That's why I'm prolly hittin downtown tonight. Get my drank on. I think. Maybe. I do know... I got motherfuckin sorrows to drown.

08.15.11 - Elenin

I know this is *really* late but... wtf was the uproar with Pippa Middleton? She's UGLY. And she's Kate's younger sister? She looks like the OLDER sister. Ugh.

How many of my dear readers tune into Breaking Bad every week? I absolutely love the show and have been following it since the beginning. This season is very dark and I am thoroughly enjoying this other side of Jesse. I can't even imagine how they're going to end the show when they do. I can only imagine Walt dead. Hmmm.
Weeds is also getting interesting what with Heylia being back and Zoiya making her entrance back into the life of Nancy. When things seem like they're improving for Nancy, the plot thickens and the armpits get hairier.

I've been having a hard time readjusting to the "freedom." I'm having some difficulty thinking clearly about things at times and feel like I'm walking around with my head in its own world of thoughts. I started wishing I had my text books for Fall already so I can just study and get away from the bad feelings throughout my day. I never thought I'd say that. All through July I escaped the negative by studying. I wanted so badly out of all that mess that the stress of it all drove me to use my brain energy on AP instead of freaking out.
The only thing stopping me from buying the books now is money. And for that reason, I've been looking for a part-time gig. I think it'll help distract me from my troubling thoughts and help me move forward too. The trouble is finding something part-time that will accommodate my school hours and isn't too stressful. I need to focus my energy on my studies.

Space.com is full of eye candy I'm interested in. I love it. I am absolutely fascinated with space and would love to make a trip to a nearby observatory. I didn't get to see any of the Perseid meteors this past weekend but I'm hoping to catch something else in the coming months.
I've also been reading a lot about this whole Nibiru, Planet X, Elenin hubbub. I don't know... it's got more substance to it than just.. rapture. And if you think about it, in the event that something like this was going to happen, it's not like the world's governments would just tell people. What would that accomplish besides widespread hysteria and chaos? We'd probably destroy ourselves long before the comet/planet would make impact.
Anyhow, I downloaded a wonderful little thing called Stellarium which shows you the day/night sky in real time. I absolutely love it! It makes me feel like an explorer and has inspired me to want to start searching the sky with a telescope instead.

Yesterday I ate a cup of vanilla pudding for lunch and chocolate pudding for dinner. Then later I had this massive drop in blood sugar and it took forever to get it back on track without soda. I usually don't go long enough with low blood sugar to start sweating but it happened. It's been years since that's happened... but it's been years since my diet has been so poor that it would even come to that. Sad. Usually I have some food, even if it ain't even two things that go together. *sigh*

Now I'm just rambling.