Welcome to the revival of Jennacidal.com. Long after the olden days of camming, the personality known as Purple returns to blogging...

April 17th, 2017

"apathique et triste"

Jeez, look at my January entry. A lot can change in three months. I committed to more work hours and extracurricular, and tried to get some skating in, too. Since spring break, I have been trying to spend Saturdays, my only free day, studying to compensate. This has me at school seven days a week for work and classes. Working a skate class or session into the week would have me doing it all. 

Before returning to the ice, I was informed of my apparent lack of joy. This made for an interesting return to the ice in stiff boots on newly sharpened blades as I fought for control with my atrophied muscles. The class attendance has grown since I stopped going regularly, so these were all factors for a heart-pumping time. I'm still trying to work this in because it's exercise and self-care. 
As such, it should be held at the top of my priorities but alas, it is not. I felt tired, but I thought it would resolve with some time to adjust to the new demand on my time and energy. Lack of joy didn't seem right because I didn't view how I was feeling as a lack. More like the temporary downs of what is otherwise usually enjoyable and satisfying. I didn't agree, nor did I dismiss. Not long after this came the melancholy. On a really bad night, I couldn't taste my food.
Hmm. It's funny how none of the above, in conversation or in thought-process, doesn't sound completely insane until now as I read it on my screen. Internal thoughts are just that until they are recorded, then they become admissions and mea culpas. 

For the first time this semester, I missed a lab class trying to experiment with myself. I managed to totally reorganize my priorities for the evening. It demonstrates the magnitude of influence over the mind brought about by changes in chemistry. 




April 7th, 2017

Thursday morning, I put my phone in airplane mode. I went all day without checking my phone or visiting a certain social media site. I wonder how long I can keep this up, or if I should try and find out. It's not like I have much of a social life, so it's not a dramatic change or anything. It's like I've been transported back to the old days. If you wanted to interact with a person, you called with a landline, wrote a letter or did it face-to-face. Hopefully no one shows up looking for me. That would be counterproductive. And worse.
I would love to dump paying for cellular service entirely. Keeping my phone in airplane is like a practice run for it. I'm not against the device, and it's still useful because you can make emergency calls and use wifi. Paying for a convenience has gotten old though.

January 16th, 2017

After two days of sleep deprivation, I slept for nearly 16 hours on Friday. Woke up to a new laptop and got an oil change for the car. I spent Friday customizing the laptop for the spring semester starting tomorrow. Meanwhile, the rest of my house is in shambles.
I'm really looking forward to the start of school. I love everything about it: taking notes, keeping up with assignments, and learning new things. I feel at my best when school is in session. Housework and chores is repetitive and not long after you finish them, you have to start again. You finish the chores but at the same time you never really do because once the dishes are dirtied up again, you've gotta wash them. This is what I call marching in place. With school, there's progress, milestones, and growth. This is forward-marching. I feel happiest when I'm marching forward.

I need a wireless mouse. I despise laptop track pads and will be okay without a separate mouse for a little bit, but there are going to be times it'll save me from madness. This means I have to shop for one and I despise shopping for things as well. Typically, I enjoy research, but not when it requires decision-making and money-spending. Cash is incredibly scarce these days, and lately I've come to dislike buying anything new. Acquiring used things for free is much more satisfying and fun.
I normally wouldn't hurry into a purchase until I absolutely have to spend the money (I don't have), but I'd rather have one and not need it right away then need it right away and be annoyed. I'm torn between a cheaper mouse in black, or the exact mouse in purple for $1.96 more. I don't want to spend any extra $ I don't have to, but I'd really prefer a purple mouse.
This is why I hate making decisions. What do I ultimately base my decision on? In the event that it's stolen at school, I'll be eyeballing everyone's black wireless mouse to see if it's mine. At least if it were solid purple, I would only be eyeballing other purple mice. I base so many purchasing decisions in my life on cost so it would be nice to not do the same here, however, there are also decisions I regret not basing on cost. A pros/cons list for this wouldn't even be helpful.
Pros: 1) purple; 2) won't go insane seeing black mice everywhere if it's stolen
Cons: 1) extra $1.96 
Not helpful.
black: $7.99 + sales tax = $8.65
purple: $9.95 + sales tax = $10.77
Normally, I'd go with black because I'd rather pay the $8.65, but I'll just make a point to look as many hits as I can on MTurk this week and shut up about this already. Purple mouse, here I come.

January 8th, 2017

I've been writing a journal in a notebook for a few weeks, but I've decided to experiment by moving this online. It's been years since I've had anything other than a desktop PC and this morning I spent money I don't have on a simple used laptop from eBay. I had to create a pros/cons list just to make the decision on whether or not to buy it due to my financial situation.

From my private journal:
Buying the laptop feels kind of impulsive because there were days in the weeks prior when I wasn't really sure why I needed a laptop. I talked myself out of continuing to look at them because I couldn't really pinpoint a need. I should make a pros/cons list. 
Even with this list, it still feels impulsive. If I don’t purchase this, I might lose the opportunity for a device with comparable specs at this price, and I might be very upset that I didn't. Historically, waiting things out has frequently worked in my favor, but it’s hard to see how that would apply here. 
With all the projects I’m planning for and ideas I want to pursue, maybe this will move me in the right direction? I don’t like the idea of ‘needing a flame under my ass’ because it feels like I’m making up excuses to justify the purchase. Maybe I should consider it a good purchase if I’m thinking about it this hard and being honest with myself about motivations and the thought process. Or because rather than feeling excited, I’m worried.
Okay. I’m going to purchase this laptop, and I’m going to continue journaling so I can come back and see how things panned out, both internally and externally.
At the time I wrote that, I didn't know I had left a Rubbermaid tub of clothes, boots, and a very nice black leather jacket on the driveway after unloading my car. It was left out all day long, and someone made off with my jacket. I didn't realize what had happened until later that night after dark.
I had that jacket for years until now. Nearly, if not exactly, ten years. It would cost, at the very least, $300 to replace it with something comparable. To say I'm upset is a gross understatement. Not to mention, it was my only heavy jacket.
The very act of leaving an entire tub of stuff in my driveway is very unlike me. I keep trying to go back to that part of the morning to understand how it happened, but I just can't remember. I only ever lose my belongings like this when I'm going back and forth, like during a temporary or permanent move.
It's hard not to place blame on events or people, but if you're going to do something like that, you should at least have a clear understanding of why. I most certainly have a clear understanding.