Saturday, June 17, 2017

June 17th, 2017

Some time in April my doctor said I seemed depressed. I just thought I was tired and maybe starting to feel burned out. I was wrong.
I've spent so much of my life chest-deep in depression that I can discern between situational and chemical depression. In situational depression, you can give reasons why you feel depressed, like failure, or whatever. Maybe these reasons aren't the best reasons to feel down on yourself, but the point is that you have them. If you were to talk about it with someone, there'd be things to say about it. Maybe you feel like a failure because of work, or family. There are dots to be connected, and the distances between them are reasonable, if not short.
In chemical depression, the melancholy doesn't always feel like your own. It's like contraband you're holding for someone else, except holding it means having to be in it. It's a cloud over your head, raining down on you, and it's harder to talk about with someone. There isn't a lot to say about it. What do you say to someone when they ask what's wrong? It's harder to respond. It's not any one thing. It feels like everything, but not because everything in my life sucks and causes me depression. It's because I am unable to derive any happiness or joy from everything that used to make me feel that way. 
Every single day has been a challenge. I start out the day fighting the sadness. Sometimes I make it through the day, but by evening I am numb. Other days, I give in and let the tears flow. I can hardly do anything, or leave the house. Whether it's situational or chemical depression, to be depressed is to be stuck between life and death. It's not death, but it's not living either.

Monday, May 29, 2017

May 29th, 2017

I've been on the lookout for tortoise hatchlings, but they require special housing conditions, so I've been hesitant (scared) to pull the trigger. I was looking for sulcata hatchlings, but now I'm wondering if red-foots would be better. Sulcatas get very large, but red-foots max around around 12-18" (30.5-46 cm). Their smaller size would be more manageable, and probably better overall what with the uncertainty in my life right now.

Speaking of uncertainty... I didn't get accepted into the local university (39% acceptance rate), so I will have to leave Austin. I applied to this school because it is renowned and I wouldn't have to move, but it isn't my first choice. My first choice was TAMU because I wanted the change of surroundings, to live in a small town where there is little traffic (compared to Austin), and where there is a skating rink for me to practice. However, finding a place to live will be a significant challenge. 
Even though TAMU has a greater acceptance rate, there's still a really good chance I won't get in based on the applications that have been denied so far. At that point, I will have to consider Texas State University, or University of Houston. There are pros and cons to both, but weighing them out doesn't make the decision between the two any easier. I'm quite torn between the two, and it's not a decision I will enjoy making.
Sitting around waiting for my applications to be reviewed has been a pretty terrible experience. I'm an incredibly impatient person, and waiting nearly 3 months without word from my first choice is driving me insane. Insane to the point where I am seriously tempted to make other plans and stop worrying about going to TAMU at all. Afterall, it's just an undergrad degree that I could earn anywhere. If I decide to continue my education thereafter, that work would be far more important.

The summer semester starts this week which means it's back to work. It's bittersweet because I'm looking forward to income and the opportunity to practice my math skills, but I don't like having to be somewhere at a specific time. I'd rather be a free spirit, but who wouldn't?

Friday, May 26, 2017

May 26th, 2017

It's been raining here a lot the last couple weeks or so. The past few days, not so much, but today is really overcast and the sky seems to be only threatening rain. My weather app says next week will be rainy, and I'm looking forward to free water falling out of the sky for Mr. Herman's sprouts.

The other day, I made my first batch of soap since 2016. It turned out alright and is curing now, and I've been putting thought into the next batch. Another recipe without coconut oil?
I've been wanting to scent my soap, but trying to come up with a blend of the oils that I have to include a base, middle, and top note has been difficult. I'm tempted to just dump lavender in, but without a base note, it will fade too soon.

I have blog-based ideas/projects I've been thinking about, but not really sure if, when, and how, to execute them. I'm not sure if I want to separate each project, or if I should include some here. Then there's the question of content presentation --scans/images, or typed? I feel weird about uploading my handwriting to the internet. I don't know why.

Friday, May 19, 2017

May 19th, 2017


I have a tortoise named Herman. Herman is a Horsfield's tortoise, also known as a Russian tortoise.

Herman is a tortoise who lives in a shoe. 
No, he doesn't live in a shoe.
He has a summer home where I've got some chia sprouts growing. It's pretty exciting for me because I haven't been able to grow them in his winter home without him crushing them to death. 
The grass has taken to the little bit of dirt I added, and I've been transplanting weeds from elsewhere in the yard with moderate success. I've been trying to keep an eye out for wildflower seeds to sprout for him.
Today, Herman ate watercress, hid behind a bunch of pecan leaves, and had a nice outdoor water soak. I watered the sprouts, and did a cheer for the spider wort seed I planted yesterday.
In the near future, I'd like to construct a really nice outdoor enclosure for him with more dirt for burrowing, and deep enough to add worms to create a more realistic habitat. What he has now isn't too bad, but it doesn't afford him enough grazing and exercise as if he had free range of the yard. He spends some of his time outside hiding, but the space would allow the plant life some time to recover as well. 

Monday, April 17, 2017

April 17th, 2017

"apathique et triste"

Jeez, look at my January entry. A lot can change in three months. I committed to more work hours and extracurricular, and tried to get some skating in, too. Since spring break, I have been trying to spend Saturdays, my only free day, studying to compensate. This has me at school seven days a week for work and classes. Working a skate class or session into the week would have me doing it all. 

Before returning to the ice, I was informed of my apparent lack of joy. This made for an interesting return to the ice in stiff boots on newly sharpened blades as I fought for control with my atrophied muscles. The class attendance has grown since I stopped going regularly, so these were all factors for a heart-pumping time. I'm still trying to work this in because it's exercise and self-care. 
As such, it should be held at the top of my priorities but alas, it is not. I felt tired, but I thought it would resolve with some time to adjust to the new demand on my time and energy. Lack of joy didn't seem right because I didn't view how I was feeling as a lack. More like the temporary downs of what is otherwise usually enjoyable and satisfying. I didn't agree, nor did I dismiss. Not long after this came the melancholy. On a really bad night, I couldn't taste my food.
Hmm. It's funny how none of the above, in conversation or in thought-process, doesn't sound completely insane until now as I read it on my screen. Internal thoughts are just that until they are recorded, then they become admissions and mea culpas. 

For the first time this semester, I missed a lab class trying to experiment with myself. I managed to totally reorganize my priorities for the evening. It demonstrates the magnitude of influence over the mind brought about by changes in chemistry. 

Thursday, April 6, 2017

April 7th, 2017

Thursday morning, I put my phone in airplane mode. I went all day without checking my phone or visiting a certain social media site. I wonder how long I can keep this up, or if I should try and find out. It's not like I have much of a social life, so it's not a dramatic change or anything. It's like I've been transported back to the old days. If you wanted to interact with a person, you called with a landline, wrote a letter or did it face-to-face. Hopefully no one shows up looking for me. That would be counterproductive. And worse.
I would love to dump paying for cellular service entirely. Keeping my phone in airplane is like a practice run for it. I'm not against the device, and it's still useful because you can make emergency calls and use wifi. Paying for a convenience has gotten old though.

Monday, January 16, 2017

January 16th, 2017

After two days of sleep deprivation, I slept for nearly 16 hours on Friday. Woke up to a new laptop and got an oil change for the car. I spent Friday customizing the laptop for the spring semester starting tomorrow. Meanwhile, the rest of my house is in shambles.
I'm really looking forward to the start of school. I love everything about it: taking notes, keeping up with assignments, and learning new things. I feel at my best when school is in session. Housework and chores is repetitive and not long after you finish them, you have to start again. You finish the chores but at the same time you never really do because once the dishes are dirtied up again, you've gotta wash them. This is what I call marching in place. With school, there's progress, milestones, and growth. This is forward-marching. I feel happiest when I'm marching forward.

I need a wireless mouse. I despise laptop track pads and will be okay without a separate mouse for a little bit, but there are going to be times it'll save me from madness. This means I have to shop for one and I despise shopping for things as well. Typically, I enjoy research, but not when it requires decision-making and money-spending. Cash is incredibly scarce these days, and lately I've come to dislike buying anything new. Acquiring used things for free is much more satisfying and fun.
I normally wouldn't hurry into a purchase until I absolutely have to spend the money (I don't have), but I'd rather have one and not need it right away then need it right away and be annoyed. I'm torn between a cheaper mouse in black, or the exact mouse in purple for $1.96 more. I don't want to spend any extra $ I don't have to, but I'd really prefer a purple mouse.
This is why I hate making decisions. What do I ultimately base my decision on? In the event that it's stolen at school, I'll be eyeballing everyone's black wireless mouse to see if it's mine. At least if it were solid purple, I would only be eyeballing other purple mice. I base so many purchasing decisions in my life on cost so it would be nice to not do the same here, however, there are also decisions I regret not basing on cost. A pros/cons list for this wouldn't even be helpful.
Pros: 1) purple; 2) won't go insane seeing black mice everywhere if it's stolen
Cons: 1) extra $1.96 
Not helpful.
black: $7.99 + sales tax = $8.65
purple: $9.95 + sales tax = $10.77
Normally, I'd go with black because I'd rather pay the $8.65, but I'll just make a point to look as many hits as I can on MTurk this week and shut up about this already. Purple mouse, here I come.